Originally aired October 15, 1996
Screenplay by Craig Miller & Marv Wolfman
As a probe from Cybertron approaches the planet, the Maximals desperately try to make contact with it, but Megatron has other plans. – Transformers Wiki description
“The Probe” marks a new beginning for Beast Wars, as the series finally dips its toes into the lurid waters of roboterotic fiction. When Optimus is infected with a cyber-virus that Rhinox must identify by entering his exhaust port, can Rhinox contain the growing curiosity that his admiration could be the seed of something more? Deftly navigating the social dynamics of same-sex relations among ranks of the army corps (the only cartoon to do so during the Clinton “don’t ask, don’t tell” years), it balances drama with sensual direction and cinematography, making “The Probe” the first episode of the series that compelled me to pleasure myself (but not the last).
More than this, “The Probe” is a tight, entertaining episode that shares none of the plot schism from the previous two-writer episode, “A Better Mousetrap.” It does feature two distinct plot elements that could just as well feature in completely separate episodes, but they blend together much better than children’s television and masturbation jokes.
Actually, the biggest triumph of the episode is the fact that it finally gives the Predacons a victory. Instead of revolving around an unattainable goal of the Predacons (to kill the Maximals), this gives an unattainable goal to the Maximals: the Gilligan’s Island mainstay of finally going home. We know from the outset that they can’t achieve this, and that gives the antagonists a sick kind of power that they haven’t had for the entire series.
The episode begins with an unseen meeting on Cybertron which reveals that the Maximals’ disappearance has not gone unnoticed. A search commences, and a spaceship fires out probes in a haphazard Empire Strikes Back fashion to find Optimus’ lost ship. For any kids still reading after all the sex stuff: this is not a realistic way to find things in space. But then, against odds that would make C-3PO shit himself, one of these probes actually manages to follow the bots through time and space to the prehistoric Solar System.
Rhinox finds the probe’s energy signature, and realizes that they have some very excitingly low number of megacycles to hail the probe before it flies out of range! To do this, they need to replicate the transwarp signature of their defunct spacecraft, which means building a radio tower thing! And they only have a limited number of megacycles to do it in!!
While the Maximals build a radio tower, Tigatron pulls double-duty by scouting for Predacons and also discovering the other plot element at play: Tarantulas has invented a ray gun that forces bots into Beast Mode, unable to transform back. Tarantulas nets two hostages for the price of one when Cheetor hops onto the scene and proves predictably useless. The two cats are held captive in the Predacon base, where Cheetor spills the beans about what the Maximals are up to. In the process, he calls Megatron “Megadumb” which is pretty bad even by Cheetor standards.
From there, the two plots converge: the Predacons attack the radio tower and bring Tarantulas’ device with them to tilt the odds. But the inevitability of the tower’s destruction is held at bay by a third subplot, in which Dinobot points out that even if they succeed, he’s probably going to get executed as a Predacon criminal. This concept doesn’t really go anywhere, since obviously they don’t get off the island, but it’s a nice script technique at play: make viewers consider the complications of success so they aren’t bored by the unlikelihood of it.
Inevitable or not, the confrontation at the tower is a fun bit of back-and-forth as the Predacons and Maximals whittle each other’s forces down one by one. Scorponok tries to missile the tower, so Rattrap blows his fucking hand off. Dinobot gets blapped by the Beastinator ray and Blackarachnia kicks him in the face about twenty goddamn times before he even realizes he can’t transform. Rattrap shoots Blackarachnia off a cliff, but then he gets blapped himself.
Tarantulas tries to straight-up strangle Optimus, but Optimus shoves his forearm-shotgun in his chest and shoots a hole straight through him. This is my favorite part, because Alec Willows has such a perfect scream of “Oh nooo!” He’ll get a lot of chances to refine it over the years, and it’s always worthwhile. I’m pretty sure it’s the last thing Tarantulas ever says in the series, too.
Anyway, Megatron gets the last laugh by blowing up the signal array once all the Maximals have been transformed into harmless, enormous, savage beasts. The ensuing explosion replays on loop for nearly a full minute, with a weird dissolve of Megatron’s laughing face over it. This is maybe the first episode with an aggressively stylish directorial technique (but not in a good way). One of Megatron’s missiles earlier in the fight also results in this re-re-replay effect, so maybe that’s just what his missiles do.
Tigatron and Cheetor escape the Predacon base and show up in time to shoo off Megatron, but the episode still ends in a satisfying, near-total failure for the Maximals. Their tower is destroyed, the probe is off to another galaxy, and they’re stuck on this rock with a squadron of assholes. It’s maybe the best ending the series has had so far. You really don’t need life-or-death galactic conquest stakes; you just need some dudes trying to build a Tinker Toy tower while some other jerks try to knock it down. That’s real tension.
Side Notes
- Rattrap continues to be inventive with the catchphrases: “Strip my gears and call me a floor lamp!”
- When Terrorsaur runs from battle under a hail of gunfire, Rattrap calls him “leather-puss,” which I guess answers my question about the bots sneaking through a pussy-taunt. They didn’t even hide it.
- Rattrap does not actually appear to fit inside his beast mode, even though it’s much larger than a standard rat.
- Cheetor is saved in the Predacon base by Tigatron grabbing his tail. “I knew that was good for something other than swatting flies,” he says. Cheetahs actually use their tails to regulate their balance during high-speed pursuits. No wonder he can barely outrun an obese rat.
- In all the POV shots that show weird robot vision, Scorponok’s is by far the shittiest. It looks like someone trying to take a camcorder video of their TV screen.
Beast Wars in review 